"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy."

"Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."

"My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder.'"

"A boy becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world no longer involve tires."

"Why do psychics have to ask you
for your name?”

"To steal ideas from one person is
plagiarism; to steal from many people is research."

"I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“Two thirds of Americans can’t do fractions. The other half, just don’t care."

"When French people swear, do they say 'Pardon my English?'”

"When someone tells you nothing is
impossible, ask him to dribble a football."

"One year I bought my kids batteries for Christmas & attached a note saying, 'Toys Not Included.'"

"I have Kleptomania, but when it gets really bad I take something for it.”

“I drive way too fast to worry about
cholesterol."

"If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?”

"Dancing is a Vertical Expression of a Horizontal Desire."

"It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it."

"I might be Schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.”

“When Cheese gets its picture
taken, what does it say?"

"Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you."

"Kinky is using a feather. Perverted
is using the whole chicken."

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.”

"The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes."

"All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand."

"When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane."

“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."

"Eagles May Soar, but Weasels Don’t Get Sucked into Jet Engines."

"99% of Lawyers Give the Rest a Bad Name."

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

"I’d Kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

"It's always darkest before dawn. (So, if you're going to steal something, that's the time to do it.)"

"I Know I'm in My Own Little World, but It's Okay: They Know Me Here."

"I’m Not Actually 58 Years Old. I’m Just 18, with 40 Years of Experience.”

“I ALWAYS GIVE 110%
EFFORT AT WORK: (14% Mondays, 25% Tuesdays, 40% Wednesdays, 22% Thursdays, and 9% Fridays)"

"SOCIAL SECURITY LOVE: When You Get a Little Each Month, but Not Enough to Really Enjoy Yourself."

"NOTICE FROM THE HEAD OFFICE: The Beatings will Continue Until Morale Improves."

"I Don't Mind Going to Work, but That Eight-Hour Wait to Go Home is the Worst."

"Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History."

“When Your Gecko is Broken You Have A Reptile Dysfunction."

“I’m a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” --Zsa Zsa Gabor--

"I Only Drink to Make You More Interesting."

"Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic."

"TEQUILA: Helping Women Lower Their Standards Since 1839."

"Does a ‘Beer Run’ Count as
Exercise?"

"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you."